Transformation Through Attention

From "Deep Listening, A Composer's Sound Practice" by Pauline Oliveras

Extremely Slow Walk Strut

Moving as slowly as possible, step forward with the heel to the ground first, let the weight of the body shift along the outside edge of the foot to the small toe and across to the large toe.

As the weight of the body fully aligns with that foot then begin the transition of shifting to the other foot.

Small steps are recommended as balance may be challenged.

Maintain good posture, with shoulders relaxed and head erect.

Use your breathing.

The challenge for this exercise is that no matter how slow you are walking, you can always go much slower.

This felt provocative. I've done this exercise many times in the past, but not recently, and it has never felt like today. My gait shifted in the middle of the practice quite suddenly. As if it was easier to move with a graceful and powerful strut than with a careful walk. Slowing down reminded me of improving my cursive handwriting by alternating quick and slow practice. The inner legs felt strengthned. I still have relatively frequent breakthroughs when it comes to knowing the body through practices like yoga and pilates even though I'm closing in to a decade since beginning my transition and pursuing comfort with/in my bodess. I imagine that never ends. I don't need to look like a monk when practicing mindful stillness or movement. An extremely slow walk can still be extremely a doll's.

Palm of Hands

Rub the palms of the hands together vigorously to make them very warm and to energize the nerve endings.

Hold the palms a little apart and parallel in front of you and sense the energy field* between them as if you were holding a sphere or ball. Your hands maybe close together or further apart to perceive the effect.

Massage this ball of energy and gradually bring the palms of your hands to a folded position just under your navel. (Men place left hand under right hand, women right hand under left hand).

Receive the warmth from your palms into this lower body center (dan t’ien)

If you don’t feel the subtle tingling sensations, your energy may be blocked by stiff shoulders or other tensions elsewhere in the body. Breathe deeply to release the tension and continue to sense the palms of your hands.

I felt doubt. Was I doing something wrong? The heat at first felt wonderful, but after separating the hands there was little else to meaningfully experience. I'm reminded of church, blindly following rituals that I don't understand. I probably won't use this one in the future, but then again maybe one day I'll be less blocked and more open. Only time will tell.

Any Piece of Music (1980)

1. If you could write any piece of music, what would you write? Assume that no kind of restraint exists, i.e. time, money, existence of resources or technology etc.
2. How would you achieve it?

I wish I could write an album that begins with confusion, illusion and desparation and moves through romantic ups and downs, arriving at a peaceful release of appreciation that unfolds into a joyful dance. I wish I could write a story of overcoming self-hatred and self-pity to connect with people who matter.

By dedicating significant more time to studying musical instruments than I currently do, and be more intentional about it. By listening, deeply to compositions that fill me with each of the feelings described above and annotating carefully why they work. By carefuly walking and reverently strutting on the heels of my fingers through both hasty and extremely slow practice.

Undarmaa gifted me a used and flattened film cartridge. The gift was her memory of the meditative feeling she experienced when developing the film in a darkroom.

I immediately thought about feeling exposed. Clothes as a protective cartridge for vulnerable skin and the heart that it covers from over-exposure. Why does stripping in the dark sometimes feel safer? Why do I want to sometimes be handled without being perceived? Why does the light of someone elses eyes on me sometimes burn?

The word "develop" caught my attention. Whether film is under- or over- exposed, there may be nothing worthy to develop. Is this true for me too? According to DuckDuckGo, "develop" can mean (1) to bring from latency to or toward fulfillment, (2) to expand or enlarge, or (3) to aid in the growth of; strengthen.

How do I want to develop? What do I want to develop from within myself? And through which lens will I achieve the balance in exposure necessary to capture the truth I wish to display?

Will I remember the real gift of meditative mindfulness when the time comes to reveal what feels tender in darkness?

I wanted to peel an apple and, using a film camera, photograph the fruit's flesh turning brown. Then I wanted to encase the film cartridge within the peel. But I don't have a film camera. And neither film photography nor mixed media are mediums I'm comfortable in.

How could I capture some of the ideas in my mind relatively quickly?

I'm not comfortable in most mediums. I've never had a arts education other than in classical music, where my creative voice didn't matter.

For my response, I used Photopea (a free online Photoshop) because I've used in the past for basic image editing. I made a collage using an image of the gift I received and some random images I found online of an apple, an apple peel, a kodak film cartridge from the 80's, and the first fashion model to showed up on my search.